Occasionally, I will go onto Craigslist and look if they have any auditions for fashion shows, as I have gotten lucky over the past and gotten an Equine fashion show, for the Equine fashion magazine, which I have to add, must be a really, really tiny niche market. And as always, you have to be careful with what is on there. But its funny to me, how you can always tell, which ones are the people who are looking for the girls for the adult websites and adult movies, and which ones aren’t. The ones that aren’t would say looking for female models, Please send height, weight and contact info.
But the ones who are looking for adult movies models, would say things like looking for open, sexy, fun-loving models, who are up for a bit of fun, or who are up for anything, or who would like to try a new experience. It is always a clue for any person who wanders onto that website, that that is an advertisement, that you should stray far, far away from. Amazing, how they give themselves away!
I do a bit of weights at the gym that I go to, and it surprises me how many guys will look at me, as if i have grown two heads. I am not buff by any means, I am probably the puniest person out there, but I still am surprised that they think of me as someone who is either to be stared at as an alien, or despised, probably because i am a lesbian, i must be one, if i am doing leg presses with a 140 pounds of weight.
I truly was the happiest person alive, though, when I started leg pressing more weight than I actually weigh myself. I weigh 126 pounds and the day I start lifting even half that weight in arm-curls will be the day I will be a happy person indeed.
I sometimes wonder why people look at me, are they looking at me, cos we like to people stare, because if i was walking past someone, i Like to look at them, just to see them, not to be rude or anything, but I love people watching. It could be labelled one of my favorite pasttimes. Its too bad, I dont get to do much of it anymore, but in the days past, I would go to downtown Toronto, and I would just sit on a bench somewhere outside if the weather is good, or on a bench in Eaton’s centre, if the weather is cold, and I would just watch. I would have my ipod playing tunes in my head, and I would just sit and watch the people walking past. I would wonder, Is that girl happy with that boyfriend of hers, who seems to be ignoring her, as he plays with his Nintendo DS? Or is that guy happy with that girl who seems to be more interested in the boots she’s looking at, than spending time with her boyfriend?
Which brings me to another ones of my thoughts that my parents lament at. The fact that I find marriage to be a big sham. Who decided that that is the be-all of end-all? It seems to be thats what it is nowadays. A person decided a long time ago, after the agricultural revolution, that as we have too much time on our hands, we are going to have to have some kind of goal for the humankind. So it became we would make marriage and creating offspring as a goal.
In the beginning of the beginning, we needed to procreate to keep the humankind going. But now what do we need it for? We already have too many human beings on this planet, but still some people seem to be creating babies at an alarming rate, and they live in the developing world, where we dont need to have 13 children so they can help out in the farm. I watch those shows with 8 kids or 17 kids and counting and I am completely baffled. Why would you want that many kids? Why are you doing this to the earth, when we already have millions of kids who do not have parents, and who wouldn’t mind having someone to take care of them?
Obviously, these might be thought of as the ramblings of an idealist, and my parents hope that I will change my mind soon when the maternal instinct kicks me in the butt, and I decide that I want a child of my own. I sometimes hope it does, than maybe I can live a normal life. But until then, I eschew the idea that the only reason I have been put on this earth is so I can get married at a reasonable age ( read 25 years old as told by my parents), and then have a reasonable number of children ( or grandchildren for my parents). Is that all I have been put on this earth for?
Is that all the reason is for my existence? There has to be more than that? I mean, c’mon, is that the reason, I have been taking up space on this planet, breathing in precious oxygen and eating precious food, so that I can bring in more people, who can choke the earth more than it already is. I believe not.
I, like everyone else, wants to know there is more to my existence. The eternal question of Why am I here? Its something of a cliche, but that’s the most important question to me right now. I do not want to exist for the sake of existing. I do not want to live just because I am here. I want to create and I want to affect. I want the earth to be a changed place, because I am here. I want the earth to be a changed place, for better or for best.
I do not want to exist and then be obliterated, and all evidence that I ever lived is gone, vanished in an instant, the moment, my soul leaves my body. That would be to me the worst insult on this planet. Why did I live then, I could have killed myself at 17, when the teenage hormones sometimes seemed too much and the urge to jump off the balcony sometimes swam in my head?
Now, I sound a bit psychotic. Believe you me, I am completely normal, too normal if I could say that. Sometimes, dont you get the feeling that there are a hundred other people in the world you are the same as you and if you weren’t there, there would be no change in the world, cos someone else who is so similar to you, will just take over from you.
Everyone likes to believe they are unique, so they do things like paint and write a blog, even when there are a million other blog writers. 
I like to believe, I am making a difference by being here, I hope that I still think the same a few years into the future.
